Sunday, May 10, 2009

I Dont Have A Picture Of My Mom


I don't have a picture of my mom. The only picture I have seen of her was the tiny monochrome image on her tomb. Her grave is showered by daylight beam in the morning and illuminated by dim sunset sky at dawn. Every single day since she departed, her soul is resting in an undisturbed manner. The day she breathed her last on her journey South in the bus was the last moment I saw her beautiful face.

Two weeks prior to that, she fell sick. Nothing much, only fever. Her condition was never as serious. I hold her hands and invited her into the sinner's prayer. She utterly mouthed the words, repeating after mine. For the first time, I saw sincerity in her heart.
Dear God, I know my heart have been separated from you. I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from my past sinful life towards you. Please forgive me, and help me avoid sinning again. I believe that your son, Jesus Christ died for my sins, was resurrected from the dead, is alive, and hears my prayer. I invite Jesus to become the Saviour and Lord of my life, to rule and reign in my heart from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spirit to help me obey You, and to do Your will for the rest of my life. By your stripes, I was healed. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

Little did I realize that a child-like prayer, God listens. A week later, my mom had totally recovered from fever. When I looked at her face, it shined ever brighter like Sunday mornings. I had never seen her face like that before. Not since I knew her. Being born with congenital heart defects could be a deep emotional thing for her. And not to mention the pain. In her case it was the valves that changed the normal flow of blood through the heart. Not until puberty that I was told about her condition, a secret she had been keeping for ages. Besides taking dosages of drugs prescribed by some doctors, she was also told to consider implant. Two reasons held her back. Fear and money. According to my dad, my mom refused to go under a knife. She knew the probability of failure. If there were a choice, she would rather live as long as she could to watch her kids growing up.No wonder I remember seeing her hiding behind the kitchen door, weeping in the middle of the nights. I felt her stabbing pain.

One day, as I came home from school, she smiled and said, "I love the song you played last night, that's my favourite." Silence. All I could recall about last night was me doing my revision for my final papers. And my synthesizer was well-wrapped underneath my bed. So, what possibly could she be talking about?? "Uh which song?" Then she smiled and started humming the melodies ....... "Amazing sweet the sound...that saved a wretch like me...." Amazing Grace? "But i didn't play that, mom." Scratching my head in confusion. "But I'm sure the music I heard came out from the direction of your room, hun". I was stupefied. Then I quickly opened the door and entered my room, just to find that the synthesizer was still in place. Wrapped. Untouched.

The idea of the whole bizarre thing was that I did not play any music last night but my mom heard the song "Amazing Grace" being played and the echoes came out from my room. The only possible reason I could think of is angels!! They couldn't be the devil because devils don't sing a repentance hymn like this one. So the angels were in my room playing my mom's favourite song, and it wasn't just a song. It actually carried a message to me. I believed the message was for me because it came in as an alarm to the future. One week before she died, she was very healthy! The exuberant radiance from her face was unbelievable! All these signs was weird but I heard that human beings do encounter super vitality prior to their deaths.


The year was 1995 April 25, the day of election. After casting her votes, she took a bus home where she breathed her last. No, I wasn't on the spot or else I could have change things around. I was rushing to attend a study group and couldn't accompany her home. That was how sudden it happened. That night, as her motionless body was laid in the middle of the mortuary, her face was still radiant. On one special moment I actually saw a beam on her face. I didn't shed even a drop of tear on that supposedly mournful day. My heart was void of depression and sorrow. My inner-man convinced me that my mom's soul has finally rested in peace, in the sweet arms of Jesus. Something tells me that it would be okay. During the funeral, a song was played by a group of church musicians and the song was "Amazing Grace", the mysterious song she heard few months earlier. End was all the suffering she had since birth. I actually had joy in my heart, seeing her depart. Far far away from all the pain she bored. The burden was finally lifted off her shoulders.

If I had a wish now, I want to see my mom again. Hug her. And to tell her how much I've missed her. Cos I actually cried writing this post. But this is the only way to keep her sweet memento in my heart forever. She was the one who taught me to live with a brave heart. Life is too short to regret on anything undone. That's why i refused to keep a picture of her except her youth photos. I want her beautiful smiles engraved in my memory, always. Today, the sun still shines but no one knows when it's gonna cease. I'm a stronger person now, mom. Happy Mother's Day! =)


4 mackerels:

Aaron C. said...

Bravo! very touching post indeed.

kitten said...

RE: Aaron

thanks for your nice comment =)

Elijah said...

Sad but beautiful and brave for a happy reunion in New Jerusalem - i will meet you both there - MSLAK.

by yhatc.

EC said...


..and you actually read it all?
We'll meet you there too.. Yeah ites!

thanks for the sweet comforting words - MASHTC :)

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